Recently I was asked by a friend to answer the question: How did you become a “Woman of Character?” Her bible study was studying Proverbs 31 and the assignment was for them to interview someone they felt was a woman of character. The question stopped me in my tracks. My first reaction was to list out all of the reasons I AM a “character” (I have this massive aversion to spilled milk; I collect acorns, squirrels and American flags; chocolate, popsicles as well as those cracker and cheese Combos are my weakness and I adore Jane Austen as well as Dean Koontz…) but not, necessarily, a woman OF character.
However, the longer I thought about it, I realized that not acknowledging what God has done in me would be like denying His very existence. Late one night as I continued to wrestle with the question, I was hit with the realization that this wasn’t just a question from my friend for her bible study – this was God giving me a midterm review. This was Him saying “Hey, you’re getting ready to head into the next stage of your walk with me so let’s review what we’ve done so far so you’ve got it fresh in your mind.” I could feel the blood rushing through me, pounding through my ears to the beat of my heart. The heart that He had made and held while it broke into pieces. Pieces He was now mending back together, each one bearing scars. I realized that He had been fashioning those scars into a beautiful pattern, one that would tell of His amazing love and power and grace. Who was I to hold that all in to myself and not share it? This would be the beginning of the next leg of my journey with Him and it was time to start taking inventory of what I’d learned.
I needed to rephrase the question for myself: What has been a key factor in developing character in my own walk/life?
After three days of mulling it over, I finally arrived at one conclusion that sat right with my soul: Trials. Suffering. Difficult times. Rough patches. Hard knocks. Mistakes. Whatever you want to call them. Whether the situation was of my own making or due to circumstances out of my control, the strength of my character has been tested in the decisions that I made in those hard times and the actions that came out of them, because it has been in those times where I've most clearly been faced with the opportunity to respond in either a godly way or not. I would love to tell you that I always chose to respond in a godly way but that would be a bald faced lie. In fact, I would probably have to say that I’ve learned MORE in the times that I haven’t made godly choices. Let’s just say that learning the “hard way” is not a strategy I’ve managed to “unlearn” easily.
There are several experiences that I believe have been very affecting, not only emotionally but spiritually as well, but one in particular that I would call profound. A few years ago, I lived through the most difficult time of my life to date. Lee and I and the boys had been a foster family to a little girl, Kaylee, who had come to live with us shortly after she was born. She had a variety of obstacles to overcome and at one point had even been given the “failure to thrive” label. We fell in love with her, took care of her, nursed her through surgery, held her and watched her grow, bloom and thrive into a healthy, rambunctious little blue-eyed toddler. After two years, we began to hope we’d be able to adopt her. However, on her third birthday, February 7, 2006, we handed her over to her birthfather who had only recently discovered she existed. He had been working for over a year at that point to prove he was a suitable parent and capable of taking care of her, at the expense of living away from the rest of his family in another state while doing so. The situation was complicated and difficult for everyone involved and looking back, I can only give credit to God for the fact that any of us actually survived through the ordeal and that anything positive came out of it.
To call what I experienced “grief” somehow doesn’t seem to do it justice. It was grief, desperation, devastation, anger, frustration, terror for her sake (Who would be taking care of her? What if they didn’t watch her closely? What if they didn’t realize she missed us, too? How would they know what to do if she got sick? How would they know what she liked? Would she feel like we’d abandoned her? That we’d given her over to complete strangers?) and pain, pain, pain. The anxiety of not knowing and then knowing that we would soon lose “our” little girl (because after three years, she was absolutely “ours” in our hearts) often struck me to my core. It ate at me emotionally and physically long before she left my care. I couldn’t eat and lost too much weight. I was stricken with migraines. I was plagued with vertigo, acid reflux and probably the beginnings of an ulcer. I don’t know how many of our friends and family realized the actual physical toll on me because I barely realized it myself, I was so wrapped up in the details of taking care of the three kids and my husband and my ministry. Added to all of that was the complexity of being a foster parent and the varying opinions and comments that were made to us throughout the entire ordeal. There were (and still are) many people who felt that as foster parents we shouldn’t have been so attached to this little girl and that we had no right to grieve over her absence in our family and home. (For the record, I do not and probably never will agree with that perspective.) Many people meant well, but often their comments and advice struck straight into my heart and my soul and to be honest, it was most often just plain shock that kept me from responding in ways I would have surely regretted later. I was so stressed out and strung so tight, I think you could have played my nerves like a harp.
A few months before Kaylee left, my doctor had told me that if I lost any more weight, he was going to have to hospitalize me. Suddenly I was faced with the very real reality that I needed to start facing the fears and anxieties and possibilities head on and deal with them or I would be completely crushed, shattered into a million useless pieces. I began to sift through all of the bible studies I had done and all of my devotional journals, looking for the notes and passages that I knew would speak to me and help guide me through this crucible.
I don’t remember exactly how or when I ran across it, but I remember focusing on a scripture about the importance of “capturing” and “taking hold” of my thoughts and to focus on God and His Word. That was huge for me. It was a hands-on, straightforward, totally practical tool that I could begin employing immediately. I remember specifically hanging on to "my" scripture: For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you nor abandon you... (Joshua 1:5) Believe me, there were times I absolutely felt abandoned by God, and by people. I felt like God had abandoned Kaylee too. I can't tell you how many times I had to stop that thought process from running to its crazy end. Countless times, I had to literally speak to myself out loud and say "No, you're not going here. He has not abandoned you, nor has He abandoned Kaylee. You have chosen to trust God in this and when you trust Him, you don't worry about it." I often had to rebuke the enemy away from me to get the internal monologue to stop.
I also learned that every day – and for a while, every hour - I would have to actively CHOOSE to trust God's plan for her life, even though that plan looked anything BUT "good" for her. To trust Him, and then, at times, be forced to defend that trust to others who didn’t believe in God or His sovereignty was very difficult. What I wanted to do in my flesh was run out screaming to the world that this was wrong, wrong, wrong and do everything I could – even if it meant lying or grabbing her and running away and hiding – to keep her with the only family she’d ever known. But I never stopped hearing His quiet still whisper inside telling me to trust Him and His plan, even though I tried to ignore it. In my weakest moments, I’m pretty sure it was just the fact that I was too exhausted to figure out the details to actually go through with any of my fleshly plans so in the end, I just gave in and gave it up to Him. And He got me through it. He always gave me the strength to keep trusting Him AFTER I took the first step (which more often than not meant NOT doing something). Every time, though, I was faced with a “leap of faith” moment. The scary moment of "I'm leaping off a freaking cliff here God, you ARE going to catch me, right?" as you go screaming into the unseen depths. It was never easy. And it still isn’t. But it does seem to get less scary with practice.
I’m happy to report that Kaylee is well and happy. Two summers ago (three and a half years after we’d said goodbye to her and watched her leave) Kaylee and her family came to town for a family event. Her dad let her stay the night with us and we all had a blast together. We played games, looked through pictures, watched a movie and snuggled like no time apart had passed. She was doing so well and whatever anxieties and fears were still skittering around in my heart were finally put to rest. I was so grateful to have that chance to see her and spend time with her and honored that her family trusted us with that opportunity. It was an unexpected blessing and reminder that the Lord did, indeed, know what He was doing after all.
There are many other things that I know have been character growing - infertility, raising two special needs boys, ministry, marriage, and just LIFE in general! Those are all times when God has laid a lot of groundwork - or the foundations - in trusting Him, following Him, walking with Him and more. Then often it’s in "regular" life that God teaches me how to put those foundations to work. So it's the "big" trials, yes, but also the everyday "little" trials that become just as character shaping if I stay alert for them. Going through the “big” stuff, I learn the lesson (trust God’s plan rather than my own because He knows better and does better). Then I learn to put that lesson into practice for the rest of my life (learn to let go of the need to control every detail of my kids’ lives and the anxiety I feel for their futures). Which seems a little bit backwards. Maybe for the rest of the world, it’s the little things that train you up for the big things. But I know that in my life, it’s in the "easier" times that I get lazy. Besides, I live in the Nut House. Where doing things backwards is just our way of life.
Right now I am really learning to "take captive" my anxiety and fears and give them to Him instead of running them through my head over and over again. This is an hourly process but - and I say this carefully - I have been able to cut my anxiety medication by a full half and I feel better than I have in YEARS. :) My circumstances haven't changed. Not at all. But actually TRUSTING Him, actively, searching down deep and rooting out the doubt that keeps me captive to the fear and anxiety and applying His Word to my circumstances and situations instead - THAT is what is healing. Putting into practice those lessons I have learned in the hard times.
Do I dread the hard times? Yes! But I know that these days the time between when the hard times hit and the point at which I can say "Okay, God... show me what You want me to learn here, what to do..." gets shorter. :) Most of the time these days I can actually get to the point when I can say "this trial is an opportunity for my character to grow, for my endurance to develop and a chance for God's glory to shine"... Eventually. Someday I hope to reach the point that when trouble strikes, my immediate response will be genuine joy for the opportunity to be a part of God’s glory in the process, but I figure that day may be a bit far off yet. That’s okay with me. That’s more time I have to BE a character and develop my character in Him.
