Cherished Last Words

I have had so much spinning in my head about my visit with David at Denver Hospice. To try to put it all into words is overwhelming and I keep finding myself just staring here at the screen. But the words need to come out and tonight, I had to start with our last words. Just to get them down so I won’t forget them. I want to share them with you, those of you who know him and who have been following his story. There is so much more to tell – the way God got me there, what He did in the time I was there and more – but those are all still spinning just out of reach for me. But this, tonight, I can finally grasp to write down. 

I had spent the evening with him, just chatting about old times and our favorite TV shows (Big Bang Theory!) and all sorts of those regular kinds of things. It was wonderful to talk about normal things and “catch up.”  And it was wonderful when David said, out of the blue, “You know, you spend your whole life being afraid of death and then when it’s here… it’s not so scary,” in the forthright, bomb-dropping manner I have always associated with him. I have always loved, cherished and admired that about him. He just says it like it is. Painfully, sometimes, yes, but I still love it. We talked about how weird it is to spend your whole life hurrying up and then to be lying there in a bed, just waiting. Waiting. What do you do? Watch TV? Read a book? Seriously. It’s damn crazy. (I’m pretty sure he said it was bullshit. J) We both cracked up about it. (This is another thing I love about David… his irreverence. It’s something we share – though he has always had the better talent for it.) I offered to drag him to a burning building so he could go in and rescue someone and have a heroic moment and break the boredom. He cracked up and said “yeah, sure, do that!” We talked about movies, and old friends and crazy times. We talked about how a person is good but people are stupid. He loved that one. He slept on and off and it was good to watch him sleep, peacefully, snoring away, temporarily free of the clutch of pain and nausea. As he slept, I got to catch up with Lianne and David’s mom, Gail, while Darin went home and picked up their dog, Durango. I got to love on him too! J (Darin AND Durango.) 

And then, too soon, the hour was late and the snow was coming down in a blizzard and it was time for me to make my way to my cousin’s house. That moment I’d been dreading was here. The whole reason I went there. To say goodbye. 

I crawled up in his bed with him and Darin took pictures of us in our matching Bazinga! shirts. I turned to David, laid my hand on his face and just tried to memorize those beautiful eyes that were smiling back up at me. They had pain in them but they were still smiling. 

I said, “Okay dude… I guess you’re going to get there before me, so I’m going to be counting on you to come and get me when it’s my turn, okay?”

He kissed my hand and he simply said, “Okay.”

I fought to not cry and smiled at him and said, “I’m not kidding. Do you promise? Because I’m gonna be looking for you.”

He smiled at me and nodded. “Okay. I promise. Thank you for coming.”

One little tear escaped down my cheek. “I had to be here. Thank you for letting me come. I love you.”

He reached up and brushed the tear off my cheek. “I love you, too.”

I bent my head over his and kissed his forehead, giving up my battle to keep the tears back.

“I’m sorry. I just got tears all over your head.”

He smiled at me. “It’s okay. They’re good tears.”

I kinda choked out “I know. I just love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Then I held his face in my hands and I told him, “We’re gonna take care of your people. I promise you that. Okay? Don’t worry too much about them. They’re gonna be okay.”

This time he had a few tears and he hugged me and whispered, “Thank you. I love you. So much.”

I kissed him again, and crawled off the bed. I held his hand and told him one last time, “I love you, too, sweetie. I’ll see you again.”

And he smiled and said, “Yep. You will.”

You better, David, 'cause I already miss you. I love you.